My Journey Back To You

Becoming a mother is supposed to be one of the most transformative, powerful experiences of a woman’s life. But for many foreign mothers living in Italy, motherhood becomes an uphill legal battle — one where love and commitment are not enough to protect you from discrimination.

The harsh reality is that Italy’s family court system often treats foreign mothers differently.
Not because we love our children any less.
Not because we are less capable.
But because we were not born here.

Facing Discrimination in Italian Family Courts

In Italian courts, foreign mothers are often viewed through a distorted lens. Language barriers, cultural misunderstandings, and outdated gender expectations create a dangerous environment where we are easily stereotyped, dismissed, and marginalized.

Some of the most common forms of discrimination include:

• Language barriers weaponized against you. Without translators provided at every step, mothers are left confused and powerless in proceedings that determine the future of their children.
• Mental health struggles treated as moral failings. Postpartum depression, anxiety, or any emotional vulnerability are seen not as conditions needing care, but as evidence of “unfitness.”
• Cultural bias. Mothers from outside Italy are often judged by Italian standards without any understanding or acceptance of different parenting practices, lifestyles, or emotional expressions.
• Nationality prejudice. The simple fact of being a non-Italian, particularly an American or other “outsider,” means courts may view you as less stable, less trustworthy, or less deserving of custody.
• The “citizen parent” advantage. Fathers who are Italian citizens or long-term residents are often favored automatically, even when their behavior should be scrutinized more closely.

This discrimination does not come from one judge or one lawyer. It is systemic — built into the assumptions, procedures, and unspoken biases of the entire system.

Strategies for Navigating a Prejudiced System

When facing an uneven playing field, survival demands strategy. Through painful experience, and the collective wisdom of other foreign mothers who have fought similar battles, here are some critical steps that can help:

1. Prioritize learning the language.
   Language is power. Every bit of Italian you can learn gives you more autonomy. Even basic conversational skills can help you advocate for yourself without relying on biased intermediaries.
2. Demand translators.
   It is your right to understand the proceedings. If one is not automatically provided, request it formally through your attorney. Document every request and every instance when language access was denied.
3. Document absolutely everything.
   Keep meticulous records of all interactions with social workers, doctors, your ex-partner, and anyone connected to your case. Record dates, times, conversations, and outcomes. Written evidence can be your greatest defense when battling assumptions and misrepresentations.
4. Build a visible, stable life.
   Courts want to see that a child will have stability. Secure safe housing. Create a daily routine. Show employment or steps toward employment. Display a commitment to raising your child in Italy, if that is required to maintain your rights.
5. Network with other expats and supportive locals.
   Isolation can be deadly in these battles. Find support groups, expat organizations, and anyone willing to stand by you. Personal testimonies from neutral third parties can make a big difference in court perceptions.
6. Understand the cultural expectations, even if you do not agree.
   In Italy, family networks are revered. Fathers and grandparents are often seen as crucial caregivers. Position yourself within that framework whenever possible — show that you respect and are willing to nurture those connections for your child’s sake.
7. Stay laser-focused on your child’s well-being.
   Courts are supposed to prioritize the best interests of the child. Even if it feels like everything is against you, consistently showing that your actions are centered on your child’s emotional health can tip the scales in your favor over time.
8. Protect your mental health.
   This system is designed to grind you down. Therapy, support groups, even small routines of self-care — these are not luxuries, they are survival tools. You cannot win a long battle if you burn out in the first rounds.

The Hope That Keeps Us Fighting

One of the most powerful pieces of advice I received from a stranger during this ordeal was simple: “Your son will not forget you.”

No matter how the courts twist the narrative, no matter how isolated you feel, your child knows you. The bond you built is real, and it cannot be legislated away.

The Italian justice system may be slow to change, but every day you survive, every step you take forward, every document you file, and every word of Italian you learn chips away at the barriers placed before you.

This battle is brutal. It is lonely. It is unjust.
But it is not impossible.
You are not invisible.
And you are not alone.